In September 2024, Mu surveyed a number of MAPs on our own MAP Forum, B4U-Act's message board B4um, and the popular GirlLover board Visions of Alice.

We asked ten questions about the feelings and experiences of participants. In this two-part article, we will summarize trends, provide key quotes from the survey, and finish with a brief analysis of key findings.

Here is Part 1 of 2.

Mu thanks the administrators of B4U-Act and Visions of Alice for supporting our survey of their communities.

Question 1. When did you first realize you were a MAP, and how did you feel? What were some issues you faced?

The age at which MAPs first began to realize their attraction to younger children varied. Many respondents reported first identifying as a MAP in their mid to late teens, though a number of people became aware of their sexual orientation at younger ages, such as ten to twelve. A few of our participants didn't realize until early adulthood or even middle age. Some respondents discovered they were MAPs in what they described as a very gradual process, while others figured it out fairly quickly. Many men attracted to young boys reported thinking of themselves as gay during early-mid adolescence, slowly coming to the realization that it was more complicated as they grew older but the age of boys they liked didn't.

Feelings about discovering their sexual orientation were primarily negative. Participants reported shame, anger, fear, longing, denial, and suicidal ideation. Many of the negative feelings clearly stemmed from stereotypes about MAPs as rapists or child killers, but others appeared linked to a general sense of shame about sexuality in general, and are themes with which many LGBT people may identify. The lack of safe access to counseling and information about their sexuality (barring news reports equating them with violent rapists) was also a major issue for those who discovered their sexual orientation in their teens.

Let's take a look at some responses:

When I was 4-5 years old I noticed that I was attracted to boys. I grew up in a homophobic country and already in school, I began to resist my homosexual thoughts. But I have never felt attraction to adult men and women. At 16, I realized that nothing changes and there are boundaries that limit my sexuality. My age of attraction is 7 to 18-21 years. So, because of Homophobia, I couldn’t express my sexuality when I was a minor, and after that, it became impossible because of Pedohysteria.

• MAP Forum respondent

It was a gradual realisation from the age of 12. I had been having strong, affectionate feelings for some boys my age since I was 8, although I don't think I started to perceive them as sexual until I was 11 or 12. I didn't believe that I was gay, because I didn't fit any of the stereotypes. I wasn't effeminate or camp; I was into sk8ing, BMX and computers, FFS! Plus I had lots of girlfriends (well, friends who were girls) and I liked them and they liked me. At 12, I was the first boy in our year to have a steady "girlfriend" (never went further than kissing, cuddling and holding hands, but I liked the contact).

I started looking things up online to reassure myself and learned that it wasn't uncommon for boys to have crushes on other boys at my age; that didn't mean I was queer or anything. But I still got turned on by boys my age ... and younger. That didn't really bother me until I was 13 and still fancied 10 year-old boys. And, as friends I fancied started puberty and began to look less like boys and more like young men, they became less attractive to me. By the time I was 14, I had realised that the only boys my age I still liked were the ones who hadn't progressed too far into adolescence.

The main issues I faced were the messages in the media. This was early 2000s, at the height of paedophobia, when what are now known as MAPs were equated not just with child-sex offenders, but child killers. Ian Huntley, even Fred West were dubbed "paedophiles" in the press. Paedos were people who couldn't control their urges. If they weren't offenders, then they were ticking timebombs, predators waiting to happen.

My heart told me that I wasn't like that, but my head worried that I could become "one of them." That was the main issue for me.

• MAP Forum respondent

Until high school I mostly thought of it in terms of being gay, and even this I was in denial about (like, maybe I just needed a girlfriend or something?). Even in college I was still madly crushing on boys my own age, though they certainly were the young looking ones, and by then I couldn't keep my mind from constantly going back to the 7th grade boys I crushed on when I was in 8th grade. I did eventually have a girlfriend, and though that worked sexually it left me in no doubt about where my true interests lay.

• MAP Forum respondent

I felt extremely issolated and with the feeling no one will help me, and also with no clear responses about how to erase the attraction. Fear of being discovered, desperation for the lack of empaty for people were the main issues.

• B4um respondent

I first realized I was a MAP when I was around 5 or 6 years old since I was definitely sexually excited about my boy and girl friends. I was a minor myself and so I was just curious about my body and enjoyed sharing the same with my friends. They were into it too, so we didn’t give it a second thought (i.e., no guilt or shame about it). When I was around 13 years old, I started to realize I was gay, but back then we just called it “queer.” I already felt like an outsider around other boys and girls for a variety of reasons (e.g., being fat as a kid), so it was just another shame to stack on my already overfilled sense of self-disgust. When I went off to college, I started to realize that I was still interested in young teenage friends, since my childhood friends had moved on. I slowly began to realize that “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did NOT give up childish ways.” I lived in constant fear of being outed as a gay guy, and above all, feared for my life if I got outed as a MAP.

• B4um respondent

The spiral of depression, anger, denial, and acceptance associated with realizing that I am preferentially attracted to young girls began for me when I was 17. This emotional roller coaster quickly simmered down to simple acceptance after meeting and subsequently developing a huge crush on a friend’s 10yr old sister. She was an amazing person; beautiful, energetic, and fun, not to mention that according to said friend, she had a bit of a crush on me too. I think I only actually met her about three times, but the memory of her smile and laugh still warm my heart. I definitely should have and perhaps could have realized my attractions earlier.

• Visions of Alice respondent

By time I was ten years-old.

But that’s not to say that was the whole story. I pretty much figured it out for sure at that point, but I was always very good with age groups younger than me, especially with the girls. When I was ten, I realized then that the feelings I had weren’t really the same as what other people experienced. Like I didn’t see my little cousins or their friends, or the little sisters of my friends as, “the annoying younger kids,” but more as what some people described crushes as.

I dare say my love for little girls started as purely romantic interest long before I realized it was sexual. Of course, back in those days I was pretty oblivious about the negative stigma and connotations. There wasn’t really anything negative about it to me though, at least not at first, but by time I hit puberty, which was a really messed up time in my life as I was struggling with my gender dysphoria while also dealing with being a girl lover and having literally no one in the world to turn to, I started to understand just how unliked we were, and that confusion turned first into denial, then hate. Hate for myself, hate for the world for making me feel like a monster, but never the girls whom I cared more for than anything else in the world.

Puberty was a bitch and a half. My issues turned inward, as they usually do with me, and I went from being a goofy nerdy kid to a self-mutilating wreck. The only thing that kept me from checking out in those days was the fact that my first LGF depended on me to keep her safe from our very much fucked up and unstable and completely irresponsible “betters.”

• Visions of Alice respondent

I discovered my sexuality when I was about 14. I had this odd, penchant desire to know what little girls "looked like." As a child, I had few friends, and even fewer of them were girls. That meant that I never knew what girls looked like naked. This changed during one visit to my grandparents house around the age of 13. They had this old medical book which had various self-care and child care concepts and tips in it. I found it when walking back from heading to the bathroom. Along with discussions of phimosis, how women should examine their breasts for lumps, and the like, there was various photographs of normal girl development. At the time, I felt a bit uncomfortable, especially considering it was a medical book. However, I knew now what girls looked like. Despite this, I felt this continued eerie curiosity. I thought that I shouldn't feel that way! I had found my answers. After about a year, I took on this belief that I was evil, and I needed to desensitize myself to that 'reality.' It's probably because of the very negative messages from the media about everyone who interacts sexually with children. Even though I had never broken the law, I assumed I was bound to, eventually. That was further compounded by the fact that I still believed all kids thought love and sex were "icky". When I turned 16, for a whole 3 days, I just stopped eating. I felt conflicted. I felt that I was a would-be good person, if it wasn't for my desires. I was willing to die. I tried to rationalize it in several bizarre ways.

I have never told this part of the story, but I started to rethink my whole self when a little boy told me that I needed a friend after he saw me crying while at a park. Sure, I wasn't ever interested in boys. However, that moment of empathy was something made something click in my mind in a way that's hard to describe. I started to think that there's maybe a different angle to who and what I am. That when I started searching online and found Lindsay Ashford's site, and later on, VoA.

But as I mentioned, I would have never dealt with this issue if it weren't for the media's negative messaging.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Due to my very low AoA, I started noticing that I liked younger girls at a very young age. I first noticed this when I was only around 10 years old but I don't think I knew what pedophilia was at the time and I certainly didn't consider myself one or use the word yet. It was when I was 12 years old that I started having suspicions that I might be one but I thought (and hoped) it was just an untold thing that everyone experiences and it will only be temporary. As I saw that these thoughts wouldn't go away as I kept getting older, I finally realised and admited to myself that I was a pedophile at about 14 years old. I felt horrible, everything became pointless and I wanted to kill myself. I felt scared too - scared of both going to prison and harming a little girl. I thankfully got over it now.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Realized is not really the right word but I think I kinda knew at around 16 since I kept liking younger girls than my friends would. When I really knew I was probably around 19. At first I still thought it might go away but it didnt. The issues I faced? It grew more and more into an obsession for me as well, as the girls were this untouchable group I could interact less and less with when I grew older until the point all interaction stopped, making it only possible to admire them / obsess over them from afar. This started to take over my entire life, and I also hated myself for it for decades. The hate grew so big I was convinced I was a pure evil person, corrupted by demons and was very suicidal. Only this last year and a half when I started therapy for it and joined this forum is when I accepted it more and removed the suicidal stuff mostly.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Question 2. Do any other people know you're a MAP? How did they react at the time, and how do they feel about it now?

There are, as expected, many negative reactions reported, but what was most surprising was the number of neutral or even positive reactions. Family members such as parents and spouses seemed to be most tolerant, while friends trended variable with a range of reactions. A common theme was knowing but not talking about it, or at least being uncomfortable about discussing the matter. Reactions to coming out as a boylover (attracted to boys) were generally more positive than reactions to coming out as a girllover (attracted to girls).

A few people suspect. Due to a very ill advised joke I made at school, there was a guy who would bring it up whenever he was around, so I didn't feel safe. Lad me to have to abandon several of my other friends. I had another guy try to intimidate me, by talking about how he thought all pedophiles should be shot.

• MAP Forum respondent

I've been fortunate to find a couple of LGBT people who accept and understand that it's just another form of attraction on the sexuality spectrum.

• MAP Forum respondent

Yes; my parents, my brother and my long-term partner. My parents (as I learned in the process of coming out to them) are both non-offending boylovers themselves and were fully supportive and reassuring. My brother (straight teleiophie, a year-and-a-half younger than me) found out by "overhearing" our conversations. We were brought-up with liberal, broadminded attitudes around sexuality and diversity, and he wasn't particularly bothered about the revelation. He became very supportive to me too. My partner doesn't find underage boys any more attractive than any other warm-blooded gay man but he's not bothered: he just sees it as one of my harmless quirks.

• MAP Forum respondent

Lots, due to either the NAMBLA stuff or the legal issues. My family was supportive, but I don't talk to them about it, because it only makes them uncomfortable. I live with my BF, who is younger than me but was an adult when we met. He is not a BL, and never much liked me doing NAMBLA stuff because of the risk. I think it's the idea of risk that makes him uncomfortable about my MAP activism, not really any reservation about boylove.

• MAP Forum respondent

Yes, my wife knows. She does worry about a lot of things and her reaction was to worry that I might get into trouble for being a map. She wasn't mad at me and had no worries herself about me, she just worried that I might get into trouble.

• MAP Forum respondent

I've told quite a few people that I'm gay and like "younger guys" but I haven't specified that I'm "minor-attracted" to as many people. I think having a hebephilic orientation makes it easier for people to accept than if I liked pre-pubescents, though, and I assume that some people think I'm mostly interested in 16-19 year olds. I have lost friends. But my family stick by me. They know what kind of person I am.

• MAP Forum respondent

I have told my partner, and some of my closest and most trusted friends. My partner has been remarkably accepting, he doesn't seem to have any issues with it at all. He told me that he doesn't care what my attractions are, and he loves and supports me no matter who I find attractive. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome here. I don't think I would feel as comfortable with myself if it weren't for him. My friends have been supportive and respectful, but they have told me they feel uncomfortable discussing or thinking about this. They seem to have some of the common misconceptions about MAPs, and while I have been able to shatter some of those misconceptions it is difficult to talk about it with them because they seem to not want to discuss it. I get the sense that they feel some degree of disgust about my attractions, and that makes me sad. I hope that in the future I can talk about it more with them and they can gain deeper understanding and empathy for MAPs. I also hope to show them by example that MAPs can live ethical and fulfilling lives.

• B4um respondent

I told a therapist years ago, who quickly passed me off on someone else. They in turn seemed disgusted and weren’t sure what to do. I never went back. I later discussed it with a therapist on the B4U-ACT Signatory Therapist List, and that was helpful. Most of all, I’ve discussed it with those who have walked in my shoes who I could trust not to judge first and ask intimidating questions later. I feel better about by attractions now since I’ve mad MAP friends. It would be great if I could come out as a MAP as I have as a gay man, but I unfortunately don’t see that happening this day and time.

• B4um respondent

A few friends know, but I've only remained in contact with two of them. Those two were accepting and remain so. We didn't talk about it much, but they humored my attraction to little girls. For instance, if we went to a water park, they'd point out little girls to me.

One of those two friends also told his parents for some reason. I wasn't there at the time. He said they wondered if it was just a phase but otherwise didn't react badly. We remained on good terms but never spoke about it.

• Visions of Alice respondent

I would say probably a dozen or so people know that I'm a MAP. At the time, everyone was kind and supportive about it. Over time, they became less and less so, many of them cutting off contact with me. Of the people I still talk to who know, it is not an open topic of discussion with any of them.

• Visions of Alice respondent

I've only come out to one person. This was shortly after I joined VoA, and it was under the bad advice of a former member. I quickly lost that friend, who was my best friend at the time. Obviously, I have no idea how he feels today, as I haven't spoken with him in 20 years. That said, I still have dreams at night that we somehow resolve this.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Only my specialized therapist (who does not judge me one bit) and did tell a friend of 13 years but backfired hard. At first they said they were OK with it and didnt care, but after a while started accusing me of looking at children when I just looked into a general direction where children might be. He didnt understand I dont find every child attractive. Then he blocked me on every platform possible to break all contact.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Question 3. What do you think is the biggest misunderstanding about MAPs?

Responses to this question are extremely consistent. Respondents were mostly frustrated by the conflation of attraction and action, especially the idea that MAPs are violent rapists. Participants were keen to point out that even their fantasies are inherently non-violent. They were eager to explain that their feelings are romantic, loving and protective, as well as sexual. They don't masturbate to fantasies of children screaming and crying. The concept of a MAP as a sadistic monster is a misunderstanding that bothers many.

That we aren't all child molesters that want to prey on children. We have loves and needs as anyone else. Its just that our needs or loves can't be met with the ones we are attracted to.

• MAP Forum respondent

That maps are people with uncontrollable sexual urges and no empathy for kids. In my experience, maps have an abundance of empathy for kids, more than non-maps most of the time and they have good control over their sex drive. The feelings that a map has for a kid they like is the same as the feelings a non-map has for someone they like. Butterflies in the stomach, shyness sometimes, love, wanting to protect them, enjoying talking and being with them, a romantic interest and sometimes a sexual attraction. But sexual attraction doesn't mean abuse, it's the polar opposite of that, it's a romantic attraction means a sexual attraction isn't something that turns into a need for sexual gratification without a care for the other person.

• MAP Forum respondent

That our sexuality functions any differently to adult-adult attraction. A straight man isn't seen as inherently predatory. Even if he likes to sleep around it's considered "sleezy" but in no way "evil". But when MAP sexuality is discussed it is usually assumed that the MAP enjoys victimizing or dominating. It's assumed that any romantic attention we give to minors is just "grooming" with the final goal being using them for sex. It's assumed that we're attracted to "children" as a class, rather than feeling connected to individual children. Despite me having an exclusive attraction towards teenage boys I'm sure there are many people who wouldn't trust me with their elementary school aged daughter in they knew I was a MAP. They don't realize that'd be like saying "I don't trust you around my 50-year-old wife" to a 25-year-old gay man. Adult-attracted men aren't seen as a threat to their adult siblings, yet MAPs who are fathers are seen as a threat to their own children. As if the incest taboo uniquely doesn't apply to us. Looking at CSA data and thinking that it applies to all MAPs is like looking at rape data and thinking it applies to all straight men.

• MAP Forum respondent

Like the homosexual community before us, the public fears minorities they are told to fear. The heteronormative collective west establishment has for decades promoted the distribution of damning propaganda whilst simultaneously suppressing scientific research and research data. Society remains both ignorant of the facts and vindictive towards our community as a result.

• MAP Forum respondent

The biggest misunderstanding is some iteration of "MAPs are dangerous to children". Even people who are progressive in every other respect will often believe that MAPs have a propensity to abuse or take advantage of children. This couldn't be further from the truth, and most of the hurtful things I hear said about MAPs are in some way tied to this belief. Being a MAP is no different from any other sexuality, there is nothing about it that makes us inherently dangerous to anyone.

• B4um respondent

Presumption of offending. Presumption of automatic violent feelings. Inability to consider the idea of romantic and emotional.

• B4um respondent

That we have evil cores. That all of us are looking for opportunities to hurt children. Inexorable feeling is separate from action.

• B4um respondent

I believe many people, MAPs included, think we are monsters who want to hurt kids for our own pleasure. Even viewing images, to them, can send us down a “slippery slope” where one day we will act out our fantasies. The original meaning of pedophile (child & lover) seems to have been lost, along with how society viewed us in ancient times. We are every parent’s nightmare just knowing that we exist. What’s sad is others don’t see the beam in their own eyes when they see a speck in ours. The problem is, many don’t care about hypocrisy as long as they have us to hate and destroy.

• B4um respondent

People think that we have 'urges' to rape children. I have never met anyone who expressed an urge to rape anyone.

• Visions of Alice respondent

The biggest misunderstanding is that MAPs are dangerous to kids. That is absolutely not the case. MAPs are dangerous to kids in the way that adults are dangerous to each other -- sexuality is not inherently the problem, it's people who don't have regard for others' safety and well-being.

• Visions of Alice respondent

a.) 'Normies' tend to think that MAPs' attraction is exclusively sexual, and that MAPs are not capable of feeling romantic or emotional attraction like every other orientation. There seems to be a huge misconception that we sexually objectify minors, and are incapable of seeing them as a whole person... Incapable of genuinely loving them, in the way that any other orientation feels love.

b.) 'Normies' also tend to think that MAPs lack self-control, compared to any other orientation. They think that if someone is attracted to a minor, they just can't help but to sexually molest them. That's why they generally don't want us working around minors. They think that we literally can't control ourselves.

c.) Often, 'normies' will imagine an adult-minor relationship in the context of an adult-adult relationship. They have no concept of what an appropriate adult-minor relationship might look like, so they apply standards and conventions of adult-adult relationships onto minors, as justification for condemning adult-minor relationships.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Question 4. What part of being a MAP do you struggle with the most?

The biggest issue by far was not the inability to have sexual relationships with children, but a general feeling of isolation. Many of our respondents felt extremely isolated due to their inability to be open and honest about being a MAP. Although the difficulty of having romantic relationships was a problem for many participants, this was expressed more as an unfulfilled emotional need than a sexual one. Of course, the unavailability of legal sexual outlets was still unsurprisingly a problem for a number of people.

That I can't really be truthful to others about who I really am. That I have to essentially lie to everyone I meet or know.

• MAP Forum respondent

Not being able to talk about it. The state even treating it as a terrible thing and anything I say or do being twisted into some negative thing when it isn't. I could see a child in the road about to be hit by a car, pull that kid to safety and be a hero but if it then came out that I was a map that whole story would suddenly twist into a story about a map grabbing a kid out of some dirty motive.

• MAP Forum respondent

The fact that you have to live somewhere you wouldn't otherwise live in order to have YFs. I feel depressed without YFs, and so I choose locations where it's possible to be friends with boys, even just platonically. Unfortunately, there are many ways in which such locations don't suit me. It's terrible for my mental health. I am angry and depressed.

• MAP Forum respondent

A lot of people will mention the stigma, but personally I'm not too worried about what other people think as long as they let me go about my own business. But it doesn't end with "I hate pedos"- people will actively try to stop us from having access to housing or employment, regardless of our sexual and criminal history. Non-offending MAPs can be treated as badly as registered sex offenders in many cases.

Yet even despite that being a problem, the biggest struggle for me is the loneliness. MAPs don't have any legal way to share intimacy with their desired partners and sexual intimacy is a core human need. Some people can be happy living a life of celibacy and finding fulfilment elsewhere. I'm not one of them. My desire for romantic connection- to give and receive love (including sexual intimacy)- is overwhelming and being denied it is heartbreaking. (Yet, as per the previous response, this would only be seen as "wanting to satiate sick desires". My heartbreak isn't acknowledged as heartbreaking.)

• MAP Forum respondent

Not being able to express and be my-full-self in some situations without compromising my safety/well being and that of my loved ones. Also, empathy towards other MAPs: Knowing how many MAPs are presently mistreated in real life, and the suffering many of them are going through is causing me a big distress.

• MAP Forum respondent

Being denied my rightful place within society ... in other words, being forced to stand alone outside in the cold and dark, like some errant child, looking in through a window at everyone else enjoying themselves to the full in a warm and friendly place. I say stand alone, because there is no easy or safe way to meet similar others in real life to share thoughts, experiences, concerns, remedies, friendship etc. That denial also means I am prevented from exercising and enjoying my primary sexual orientation.

• MAP Forum respondent

I hate that I feel the need to hide my attractions. I would be an out and proud MAP if I didn't think it was social suicide. I feel scared to tell anyone that I haven't already told, and I fear that if I were ever outed I would be misunderstood, vilified, or even physically assaulted by people I love and broader society.

• B4um respondent

The incessant aching caused by my unsatiated longing to love and be loved by a little girl. Sexual urges can be managed by other means, but there is no substitute for love.

• Visions of Alice respondent

The part I struggle with most is the knowledge that I would have to break the law in order to have a sexual relationship with someone I'm attracted to, and that's difficult to stomach, because I don't want to break the law and I don't want to hurt anyone.

• Visions of Alice respondent

I mean, we carry the hate of ninety-nine percent of the world on our collective backs. It’s hell when you don’t have community, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t find community through VOA then later the Pediverse until my mid-thirties, but even with having lots of MAP friends and allies, a few of whom I actually interact with outside of the community, there’s still so much isolation.

[...]

Even surrounded by hundreds of likeminded pedos, I always have to keep my guard up, be careful about what I say at any given time, always make sure not to give away too much about my IRL identity.

IT’S FUCKING EXHAUSTING AND DISHEARTENING!

• Visions of Alice respondent

The social stigma, you cant talk about it and most of the public is retarded about it and will say the most stupid stuff about is that is not true. And also the secrecy you have to do. If people find out about you, your life is pretty much ruined. If people only suspect it about you, things could turn violent fast.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Question 5. What has been your worst experience as a MAP?

Responses here were a bit more varied, but a common theme was being found out over things that were not technically illegal. Although most respondents recovered from this experience, they typically lost adult and/or minor friends and found the experience very traumatizing. Intense fear of being 'found out' was another common theme. Not surprisingly, having been arrested was a terrible experience for those convicted of both contact and non-contact offenses. For some people, simply living through the constant hateful messaging toward MAPs in everyday life constituted their worst (ongoing) experience.

There was a time I felt like I was going found out and there was nothing I could do about it. It caused me to have a suicide attempt, which severly traumatized me because I didn't really want to die, I was just terrified of people knowing about me.

• MAP Forum respondent

I have dealt with the police on very minor things but I've had the police try to twist things out of all proportion, publicly telling lies about me to people I know. I have provided evidence of this to police complaints bodies and they've acknowledged me but not acted at all because rights just don't extend to maps in the same way.

• MAP Forum respondent

A YF I worked with said something that made it obvious I was a BL. All of the boys were questioned by my employer. It was terrifying at the time, but the families supported me. Those boys, now adults, are still friendly with me. One of them who lives elsewhere now took a flight to visit me this summer.

• MAP Forum respondent

A mental health centre was recommended to me by my physician once I had explained to him that my difficult personal situation had precipitated homelessness and threats of violence towards me. Suffice it to say, in my home country, mental health professionals are obliged to notify the police if they consider a patient to be a risk to the public, but at no point was I made aware of this fact either by my physician or by the psychiatrists at the Centre where I had subsequently sought help. Over the course of three meetings, I divulged my predicament to the health professionals, informing them that my paedosexuality and society’s adverse reaction to it were making life intolerable for me.

During the fourth meeting, I was advised that the Centre had rated me a risk to public safety, and as a result had duly notified the police of that risk. The Centre also mentioned they had rated me as being at significant risk from suicide. I left the meeting betrayed and utterly distraught. Suicide was the only option left to me. Within an hour, I found I had travelled by bus to coastal cliffs, had somehow walked along a cliff footpath, and finally was to be seen pacing back and forth close to the cliff edge. Passing hikers witnessed my distress, and guessed what I was about to do. I found myself tackled and held to the ground. Shortly afterwards, police arrived at the scene and extracted my story. I was eventually taken to a mental health hospital where I was incarcerated for 72 hours, the legal maximum period of detention.

Upon release from the hospital, I headed back to my tent, no better off, no safety net, and arguably a lot worse off, than when I had first approached my physician for help.

• MAP Forum respondent

It was several years ago in a public park. I was there close to the children area, I was doing nothing strange or out of order, but one super paranoid father mistake me with a groomer. He went so aggressive, menaced me and even called the police. In the end, the police determined i was innocent from all charges and i wasn't convicted or registered, there was no crime as they proved I wasn't doing anything illegal. But the experience of suffering was very real, the pain was incredibly deep for me that day, and even if it was a confusion by the part of the dad, that day I felt real shame to be a MAP. Fortunately, I recovered from that.

• B4um respondent

This is more tame than what others have experienced, but I found the decades of repressing my attractions effected me a lot more than I first thought. I lived with cognitive dissonance and self-loathing related to my minor attraction for years, and it undoubtedly impacted my mental health and life.

• B4um respondent

When people say "I care about you." "I love you." would they have those same words for me if they knew?

• B4um respondent

Getting arrested and jailed for images that were non sexual in any way. It was pointless in every way. One moves on but it never leaves you.

• B4um respondent

My worst experience as a MAP was when I outed myself to a few people in a community group that I was a part of. The people went to the leaders of the group, who told me I was not allowed to talk about being a MAP. The reason this was so devastating was because I had previously felt very open being myself for the very first time in my life, and this group was a safe haven for me. Suddenly, that was being taken away. One of the leaders told me this, and I cried hysterically for a good thirty minutes as I mourned the loss of the only safe space I'd ever known, all because of someone else's discomfort.

• Visions of Alice respondent

My worst experience as a MAP was when in my early 20s I fell in love with a girl (age not stated for legal reasons). She loved me as well after over a year of being with her on the weekends to play games, watch TV, swim in the family pool, and sometimes take her snorkeling out over a shallow coral reef; hand in hand. We enjoyed being together and, at first, was platonic. Unfortunately, we crossed the line, and her parents, especially her mother, stepped in and cut it off. I reflect on that moment as a line that should never have been crossed and a mistake that could have landed me in jail while she would have been 'incarcerated' in some subjective mental therapy that perhaps would make me a 'monster' to her. In short, I look back and agree with what Mom did. It never went public and kept within her family and me. Dad was forgiving and, somehow, understood a little about my love for his daughter.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Having a google account closed for too many child pictures, fear of falling on the wrong side of the legal line.

• Visions of Alice respondent

The constant hate speech I've had to deal with, including direct death threats.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Question 6. How do you think social attitudes toward MAPs are harmful to us and our friends and families?

We wrote this question poorly, leading to confusion over the focus. This is something to consider for next time. Nonetheless, we will proceed with summarizing the responses.

In terms of social attitudes being harmful to MAPs, respondents again talked a lot about stigma and isolation, and the difficulty of being forced to hide their attraction to children. They described themselves and fellow MAP acquaintances as struggling with mental health problems and suicidal ideation due to the hateful messaging they regularly encountered. Some people felt they were forced to withdraw from wider society, unable to be normal functioning members due to struggles caused by anti-MAP hatred. They thought this potentially made monsters of decent men, a theme we have talked about in previous articles on Mu.

Many participants believed there were significant knock-on effects to their family and friends. Such contacts were deemed to be at risk of harassment due to their 'association' with MAPs, and it was noted that they took on some of the emotional burden of MAP hysteria if aware that their family member or friend was a MAP. Other respondents described having poorer interpersonal relationships due to the perceived need to hide their sexual orientation from family and friends, suggesting that 'coming out' or not coming out was a difficult decision even from a purely selfless perspective.

The crushing weight of this identity means it's very hard to share it with others, because even if you're not afraid of sharing it, you're putting your family and friends in danger due to guilt by association. MAPs don't choose to be MAPs, and families don't choose whether their members are MAPs either.

• MAP Forum respondent

That if it gets out its bad for everyone else who knows you because people are going to ask how long they knew about it and if they are accepting of you it can be damaging to them in many ways.

• MAP Forum respondent

Many of us are imprisoned, many more placed on instrusive and disabling sex registries, and those who avoid those consequences are either silenced completely (about sexuality, a topic others can and do discuss endlessly) or can only speak frankly in anonymous settings.

• MAP Forum respondent

I think it varies depending on a bunch of variables. At one end the MAP stays silent and isn't able to have an open and honest relationship with their family, but there is no burden on friends and family beyond that. Such a MAP carries their secret and burden by themselves to their grave. In some cases this can mean a situation where a MAP commits suicide but because they never came out, their friends and family never know why and are denied full closure.

On the other extreme are MAPs who end up on the wrong side of the law and whose families become secondary victims of the legal process. Including being "outed" as the family of an offender, with the associated stigma (especially if they choose to support their family). It's even worse for family of people forced to register, who have to choose between losing that family member entirely, or being subject to many of the same restrictions as the registrant.

• MAP Forum respondent

Are harmful because society is not giving us a basic right, space and time to be ourselves, to be other thing different from the stereotypes. We need space to construct our identities in a positive framework, and the persecutors dont even want that positive framework to even exist. Everything we do, think, feel... is bad in their eyes. We deserve nothing more than be dead according to them. This super negative vision is an obstacle to build spaces like this, spaces to construct alternative points of views, allow positivity among MAPs. Of course our families and friends get harmed too because they can be labelled as "Collaborators"

• B4um respondent

The overwhelmingly negative perception of MAPs directly contributes to feelings of guilt and self-hatred that many MAPs experience. This pushes us into hiding, and can even end up tearing families apart and ruining friendships. Hiding core aspects of ourselves from family and friends is unhealthy!

• B4um respondent

They trap us in a lifestyle characterized by paranoia and isolation. There is so much hate directed at us, but many of us are powerless to fight back because coming out could ruin our lives. Being forced to live this way takes a psychological toll, but many of us can't even talk to mental health professionals for the same reason.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Being so stigmatized that we are forced to stay in the shadows is incredibly harmful to us, as it would be to anyone. The attitudes that others have toward MAPs force all MAPs not to reveal themselves, and that doesn't help make any progress toward understanding. I once wrote a story about a MAP, heavily based on myself, and everyone I showed it to said that they couldn't believe how human the character was. People don't realize how harmless MAPs are because so many people need an "other" to blame for things, and, in any situation involving child sexual abuse, that "other" is often MAPs. When, in reality, making us hide is bad for everyone. If MAPs could be in the open, people would be able to see how often sexual abuse isn't actually perpetuated by MAPs, and is instead a power crime by those without any sexual interest in children.

• Visions of Alice respondent

I don’t need to tell anyone here that we’ve lost lots of good people to their own hand because of this isolation. Sometimes, we even become the “monsters” they make us out to be, and that leads to a whole lot of darkness for all involved.

But to our friends and family?

Sure, I have fears that I might be targeted and outed by antis, but my bigger fear is how the people who orbit my little existance might be effected. Outings don’t just affect us as individuals, but our friends and families who usually have no idea.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Negative opinions of MAPs has caused serious mental and physical health issues, addiction problems, and suicides in our community. I am tired of seeing us lose people, beautiful souls from our community, because of the vile world out there.

As I discussed, I have a friend through coming out. Even for those with accepting friends, do they now hold a burden? Do they feel as if they are holding a secret about you that they need to protect? The same questions are only more pressing with family. But unlike friends, families can be targetted by antis more easily. There's certainly been cases of harassment from antis directed at family members of MAPs.

• Visions of Alice respondent

They can make MAP's hate themselves and get isolated from the society. A minority of MAP's might create a criminal identity for themselves because of the social isolation, and they might actually start molesting kids.

• Visions of Alice respondent

People see us as monsters and as being completely useless to society. This only isolates us even more and makes us keep a distance from everyone. In the end, you are starting to go insane as you completely lose contact with humanity. You forget how to socialize with others. How to talk. What it means or feels like to have a friend. We become stuck in our protective bubble. At some point you begin to question yourself what is the point of caring about others if nobody cares about you? All your love towards humans slowly vanishes and that makes MAPS who are isolated like this start to not care if an action harms someone else anymore. The soul becomes bitter and cold. What is the point of loving little girls so much if they will hate you and wish you were dead when they grow up into adulthood? What is the point of contributing to society if everyone else treats you as a worthless being? It is sort of like an existential crisis. You feel as if you don't belong in this world. All of this results exactly in how antis see us - becoming something completely useless. Because we are not given any chance.

• Visions of Alice respondent

In every possible way. Whenever you ostracize someone as a social pariah, they must choose to either hide and live a life of lies (and sometime self-deceit), or else face the public shame of coming out as something viewed as society's greatest evil, complete with all the ramifications. Social, emotional, and economic wellbeing can be hugely impacted in either case.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Question 7. Do you think the stigmatization of MAPs presents any risks to children?

A common theme was the perception that mental heath crises brought on by stigma led to a significantly increased risk of harmful behavior. Other respondents talked about the endless messaging of 'MAP=rapist' potentially leading some MAPs to think they had no choice but to become such. Participants mentioned the possible blurring of boundaries between harmful AMSC and what they believed to be non-harmful AMSC, if everything is automatically labeled 'child rape'. Some people felt that the stigma pushes MAPs underground, and prevents abusive relationships being discovered.

Others discussed how minors who were actually exploited may be hesitant to report to the authorities knowing what would happen to the adult, as well as the burden on the child of going through legal procedures and forced therapy. Living with the stigma of being a victim of a child sex offense was also raised as being a cause of trauma to children; it was implied that not all relations involving AMSC were inherently harmful, and therefore children were indirect victims of MAP-related stigma or paranoia. MAP hysteria was additionally described as limiting the sexual agency of minors, including in minor-minor relationships. Another concern was that even completely platonic interactions between adults and minors are problematized by the fear that the adult could potentially be an 'evil' MAP.

Participants also discussed their experience of realizing they were MAPs at an early age, and being bombarded with hateful messaging during the challenging formative years of adolescence. They felt it was important to remember that most people realize they are MAPs while still minors themselves.

Yes. The stigma of MAPs, means families are uncomfortable identifying members that are sexually abusive, instead using the scapegoat of "stranger danger" even though the majority of CSA is performed by family members.

• MAP Forum respondent

Yes, pent-up sexual energy combined with dehumanising rhetoric combined with an insistence that "it doesn't matter how soft and gentle or rough and rapey you are, it's 'muh CSA' every time" will lead to certain individuals snapping and end up actually hurting children in a "nihilistic rage".

• MAP Forum respondent

Yes, mainly because it pushes people underground and into denial, even to themselves. It trashes people's self-esteem. It stops people seeking help and support. And many academics (well, at least Blanchard, Cantor et al) say that low self-esteem, denial and lack of support are major risk-factors in sexual offending.

• MAP Forum respondent

It creates an unhealthy atmosphere of secrecy and danger around their exercise of sexual agency. This is neither necessary nor helpful, and in my view is contributing to a growing fear of sexuality among youth.

• MAP Forum respondent

Definitely. I was a child when I discovered I was a map and I was terrified to tell anyone. When I was a younger child I had a relationship with an adult which was special but I was terrified to tell anyone about that because of what might happen to him. If it was less stigmitized then people could talk more to family and friends and then truly abusive situations could be discovered and dealt with.

• MAP Forum respondent

Many MAPs come to a point where they feel they have nothing left to lose. A small number act accordingly.

• MAP Forum respondent

Most obvious is MAPs that are minors themselves. The risk of suicide amongst LGBT youth is still higher than that of straight youth. Yet being LGBT is largely accepted and there can be the hope that "it gets better". Minor MAPs have no such hope to hold on to. It is taboo to say that "faggts should die", but "peds should die" is accepted discourse. Minor MAPs are aware of what they face going forward and many will opt for suicide- a suicide that will go unnoticed by society because even in their suicide note they'll be too ashamed to come out and explain their reason for choosing death.

For non-MAP minors I think there are risks too. Particularly surrounding the entire narrative- the myths surrounding adult-child sexual contact take away the voices of minors, including those who are abused. The harsh legal penalties also mean there is a chilling effect where some minors choose to avoid talking about their experiences because of worry for an offender that they care about. The victim narrative means that adolescents are robbed of their potential sexuality- even with other minors- because sex is assumed to be traumatic. "Stranger danger" myths and a lack of adequate sexual education also mean that minors aren't aware of how to avoid the kinds of relationships that can be exploitative (remember a lot of abuse takes place in the family home). Hysteria creates imaginary problems at the expense of calmly dealing with actual problems.

• MAP Forum respondent

If the stigma means teaching them to be wary of strangers then I think it could prvent them form having healthy relations with adults in general.

• MAP Forum respondent

For governments and media to have created, for example, the notion of “male stranger danger”, a chasm widens that separates the generations. Children and the parents of those children begin to see every single adult in a public setting, as a danger to their sacrosanct family unit. Conversely, single men avoid jobs that require contact with children, and avoid public spaces where children frequent. Children lose out not only from being prevented from taking risks in the world and learning from their experiences, but they will lack the social skills needed to relate to others as they grow older. The absence of male role models in their lives also likely impacts them negatively.

• MAP Forum respondent

Stigma is a big barrier to treatment of MAPs in general. Those who are more impulsive or have more problems of control need treatment, but treatment is denied because of public stigma. What you get from this is: they dont receive treatment, so its easier for them to commit real abuse. The more stigma, the more CSA.

• B4um respondent

While I don't know for sure, I think yes. Many MAPs go through life without recognizing their attractions, and it's possible that a lifetime of this could lead to impulsive and harmful choices in the wrong circumstances. I believe that recognizing and understanding your attractions is important not only for your mental health, but for protecting others. For me, accepting my minor attraction has made me feel a lot more confident that I will never harm a child, which is not something that I believed when I was repressing and hiding from my attractions.

• B4um respondent

I was 12 when I realized. Not even able to be considered a teenager. I felt very sad having to deal with this and knowing that these people hated me. The realization of how people feel towards MAPs (which is myself) worsened my pre-existing struggles and feelings. It gave a sense of continued to this day of inability to trust affection in this area because would they really like me? Care about me? If I were to be in a survival situation such as drowning or in a building on fire, would they still think I was worth saving? If it got out and I needed help, would they not help me? Absolutely not a unique experience only to I.

• B4um respondent

Isolate and reject us, and we will feel like we have nothing to lose. Maybe we'll think we're evil after all and want to fulfill our moral destiny. It always comes down to the discipline of the individual, of course, but stigmatization is not helping.

• B4um respondent

MAPs who are comfortable in their own skin and simply love children and are devoted to their best interest are a lot safer for kids than those who have been convinced they're destined to offend.

• B4um respondent

In a way, yes. Feeling hated by everyone and powerless to do anything about it is demoralizing. And without support, there is no one to be accountable to. In that isolated, demoralized frame of mind, I believe one's resolve not to offend can weaken.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Being allowed to be open and honest about our thoughts and feelings would mean we could have an open dialogue, and open and honest relationships with the kids in our lives. Instead, we have to keep things in the shadows, which enables abusers and predators the opportunity to hurt children.

• Visions of Alice respondent

a.) MAPs who are naturally inclined to nurture, care for, and guide young people, may be reluctant and fearful of engaging or working with youth, because of the social stigma, or fear of being 'found out' in the most innocent of scenarios. This deprives young people of loving mentors, teachers, coaches, role models, etc. who, but for this stigma, may have had an immeasurably positive impact on their lives. Instead, these roles might only be filled by people who "don't like" kids.

b.) In any instances where a minor has a positive and consensual romantic or sexual experience with an adult, then if found out, the minor will likely be dragged through the court system as the state tries to win a conviction. Psychologists, law enforcement, and the media will all try to convince the minor that they were the victim of the most traumatic abuse that anyone could perpetrate. Naturally this would lead to great suffering on the part of the minor. If such an experience were not found out, then the minor might live in fear, burdened by this serious secret. The severe social stigma against MAPs might even darken the minor's perception of any positive experiences, and cause distress when otherwise there would be none.

• Visions of Alice respondent

Please continue to part 2.