This post deals with themes of suicide, MAP phobia, and incarceration. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, we understand that calling for support can be an intimidating experience. Please consider these resources on B4U-ACT to see if there is something appropriate. You deserve life.

September is Suicide Prevention Month. You might have noticed links to various mental health hotlines appearing more frequently as you browse the internet. Or maybe you have seen people wearing teal and purple ribbons as they go about shopping. Suicide is a problem for all segments of the community, but particular demographics are especially vulnerable. Indigenous people, men, people living in rural communities, migrants, and LGBT people are all identified as being at higher risk of suicide. Among young people, suicide is particularly serious, with it being the second leading cause of death for people aged 10-14 and 25-34, and the third leading cause for people aged 15-24 in the USA. 75% of suicides are committed by men, which has prompted an increase of male-focused mental health services such as Heads Up Guys .

According to the CDC, for every suicide death, there are approximately 11 emergency department visits for self-harm, 52 self-reported suicide attempts, and 336 people who seriously considered suicide.

Suicide in the LGBT community: still a serious issue

For the LGBT community, suicide prevention has long been one of the main focuses of activism. Suicide among LGBT youth is considered a serious problem, and organizations such as the Trevor Project, which started in 1998, are focused on tackling it. Acceptance of LGBT people is increasing, with 80% of people supporting same-sex relationships being legal, 70% of people supporting same-sex marriage, and 44% of people thinking it is morally acceptable to change your gender. In modern times, over 80% of people think that it is acceptable for gay or lesbian people to work as teachers, compared to less than 50% in 1989. But despite these changes in social attitudes, LGBT youth are still at a heightened risk of suicide, being four times more likely to attempt suicide than their peers, with an estimated 41% of LGBT youth having contemplated suicide. Addressing this is rightfully considered a high priority by many in society.

One reason given for lower mental health outcomes for LGBT people is minority stress. Prejudice and discrimination cause a physical stress response that over time leads to worsened mental and even physical health. One fourth of LGBT people experience victimization as a result of their orientation, and approximately 90% of LGBT youth have reported hearing prejudiced comments at school. These experiences lead to LGBT people concealing their orientation, which results in feelings of shame, guilt, anxiety and isolation. Internalized homophobia can also result in self-loathing and lowered self-esteem. Rejection sensitivity, experiencing anxiety at the prospect of being rejected by others, is also common. Despite the massive strides in LGBT destigmatization and efforts to provide accessible therapy, minority stress still results in a quantifiably lower quality of mental and physical health, with the ultimate cost being suicide.

Suicide in the MAP community: off the scale

The situation for LGBT people is tragic, despite society's increasing acceptance. Meanwhile, MAPs in 2024 face almost universal condemnation, analogous to the situation faced by queer people in the 1950s. This likely stems from a thoughtless conflation of people who are attracted to minors with child rapists. Humans have an innate desire to ostracize people that we see as threatening. The desire to protect children from harm is itself justified. However, innocent MAPs are seen as harmful due to a severe misunderstanding about the nature of minor attraction. People look at a case like Danny Heinrich who abducted, sexually assaulted and murdered Jacob Wetterling, and assume that MAPs have similar desires. Yet no-one assumes that all straight men have the desire to have sex with any woman they meet, and especially not to force them if they don't consent. Ted Bundy was a "psychopath, convicted rapist and murderer", but not a "convicted heterosexual". Jeffrey Dahmer was a "convicted rapist, murderer and cannibal", but not a "convicted homosexual". Only MAPs have their sexuality defined by the horrific criminal actions of others. Some people try to justify this stigma on the basis that "children can't consent". But consent is irrelevant to attraction. If a straight man finds an adult woman attractive, but she doesn't or can't consent, then he doesn't have sex with her. If he tries to, he is a rapist. Similarly, a MAP may find a minor attractive, but believes the child can't consent, so he doesn't have sex with them. Despite the inability of minors to legally consent in the real world, MAPs' fantasies revolve around imaginary children and adolescents who do consent. Most MAPs are not aroused by imagining non-consensual situations involving force, violence, coercion or deception, just like most adult-attracted people aren't. MAPs don't want to harm minors any more than anyone else wants to harm someone they find attractive. Despite this, the stigma of the most horrible child sex crimes follows us. Even MAPs that never have and never would touch a child are called slurs and threatened with mob violence.

On social media, in response to a recent press release from Mu stating that MAPs are oppressed, there were many comments expressing shock that MAPs would consider themselves victims. Yet right alongside those comments were others calling for MAPs to be killed, tortured or sent away to concentration camps, regardless of their sexual and criminal history. MAPs who have never and would never touch a child face violent rhetoric, harsher than that faced by serial killers. Let's be clear. If you want to kill someone for having an unchosen attraction, that is oppression. If you face death threats when you haven't even hurt anyone then you are the victim. Child sex abuse is a big problem that society is still trying to properly deal with. But saying "what about the child victims" to MAPs that have never offended is not only ignorant; it's downright offensive. Non-offending MAPs have no victims. They acknowledge society's concerns about child safety and the complexities of consent. They willingly face a life devoid of sexual intimacy in order to uphold community standards of child welfare. Yet rather than supporting these MAPs, many in society choose to ostracize them. Drug addicts and alcoholics who get clean are praised and welcomed back into society. Former members of violent gangs are seen as heroes when they quit crime and get an education. Yet MAPs who have never once touched a child or accessed illegal images are often treated worse than someone who has been found guilty of multiple violent crimes. Simply because of a sexual attraction that they never chose.

The result of this is that MAPs, many of whom have done nothing wrong, die. Facing prejudice and discrimination on par with what the LGBT community experienced 70 years ago leads to the same kinds of shame, guilt, anxiety and isolation, with the same tragic consequences. One rare study of suicidality in MAPs identified relationships and disclosure, internal cognition, and societal factors as key risk factors. The exact rate of suicide among MAPs is unknown because the true number of MAPs is unknown. For many people, it's a secret they carry to their grave. Even when committing suicide, many MAPs are unlikely to tell their families the reason, for fear of burdening them with that knowledge. The data we do have often comes from websites like B4U-ACT that function as support groups for MAPs. People using these websites are people that have actively sought out support for their attraction and likely don't represent the full picture. There are almost certainly many MAPs who never find such support websites, and after years of struggling with loneliness and stigma, choose suicide to end their pain. If you know someone that committed suicide, there is a non-zero chance that they were struggling with minor-attraction. If you have a parent, sibling, child, friend or relative that committed suicide, they may have been a MAP. Yet unlike suicide in other minority populations, media coverage is basically non-existent. MAP suicide is a silent epidemic.

We don't have a completely clear picture, but research from MAP support groups indicates that nearly half of participants had suicidal thoughts. 32% of MAPs had gone so far as to plan suicide attempts and 13% had non-fatal suicide attempts. We don't know the number of successful attempts because those members are no longer with us to respond to research surveys. Sometimes a member of an online community will leave a farewell post and disappear for good. We may occasionally receive confirmation of their death, but in many cases we just have to assume the worst. And as mentioned earlier, we have no idea of the scale of suicide among MAPs that have never reached out for online support.

The lonely death: Charlie's story

Charlie* was a member of an online community for MAPs who struggled with feelings of guilt and shame about his attractions, often feeling isolated and misunderstood. He was a kind and sensitive, but anxious person. He was very paranoid about being associated with criminals and had a strong stance against sexual abuse, even clashing with other MAPs who supported more liberal legal reform.

Charlie had been interested in Hello Kitty and My Little Pony, but he experienced vicious bullying when he had shared these interests with others. Although he wished to be able share his feelings with his loved ones, a fear of rejection made him keep his feelings inside, only sharing them with other MAPs online. Charlie owned a life-sized doll resembling a young girl, which he viewed as a comforting presence. She was not a sex doll and he relied on her as an outlet for his romantic attraction. Rather than having a potentially risky relationship with real children he would spend time with his doll, brushing her hair or holding her hand. Despite the stigma surrounding his attractions, he found joy in his platonic companionship with the doll, allowing him to process his minor-attraction in an odd but totally harmless way.

One day, however, his teenage sons discovered the doll while they were visiting. In that moment, he decided to come out to them, hoping for understanding. The reaction was devastating. Instead of acceptance, he faced rejection and a painful estrangement from his family. Even though Charlie was only attracted to young girls, his teenage sons felt scared of him due to the narrative of MAPs as indiscriminate, sex-crazed predators. As he struggled with the fallout, he reached out for support online, but the weight of his circumstances felt insurmountable. Ultimately, he disappeared from the online community, leaving friends concerned about his well-being. Many feared the worst, and the uncertainty surrounding his fate left a profound impact on those who cared for him. Charlie, who not only had never harmed a child but who strongly denounced those that do, was rejected by the people closest to him because of the stigma of minor-attraction. This kind man, who tried his best to live out his attractions in a way that didn't infringe on society's morals, still couldn't be accepted, and in his despair he ended his life.

Well, we assume so. Charlie didn't have real life contact with other MAPs, so we can't confirm his suicide, nor his family's reaction to it. We can only judge from his final messages to his friends and his sudden disappearance. Regardless, we lament the impact that the stigma surrounding minor-attraction had on not only Charlie himself, but also on his family. No-one can blame his children for their reaction, but if the harmful stereotypes around MAPs were dispelled then they might have managed their feelings of shock in a way that didn't leave their father feeling so alone. When a father comes out to his family as gay or transgender, there is a need for adjustment and often therapy. The revelations of LGBT family members are becoming easier to process due to increased social acceptance, something still lacking for MAPs.

A note on MAP youth

Just like with the LGBT community, it is MAP youth that are particularly vulnerable. The idea of a "child pedophile" may seem an oxymoron, yet the truth is that just like with other sexual attractions, most MAPs begin to realize they are attracted to younger minors at the start of puberty at around 12 or 13 years old. For MAPs who are attracted to prepubescent children (clinically called pedophiles), this realization may come sooner. For MAPs who are attracted to adolescents (clinically called hebephiles), it can take until later in puberty for them to realize that their attractions haven't "aged up" with them and that the physical features of early puberty that attracted them when they were younger continue to attract them even as they become adults. In either case, the realization that you are not only "different", but that you are part of a group that society thinks shouldn't even exist, can be extremely traumatic. By age 16 most MAPs have had suicidal thoughts, including, as mentioned earlier, specific plans for committing suicide. Amongst MAPs attempting suicide, the most common age is 14. 36% of MAPs made their first suicide attempt while they were still minors. If we want to protect minors, then that includes minors with sexualities that are socially unacceptable. Protecting children doesn't just mean protecting them from harm by others, it also means protecting them from negative social attitudes that cause them to harm themselves.

Mu currently does not have a story to share regarding MAP youth, possibly because many of these young people do not find the community before taking their own lives.

Death for a hug: Alex's story

When a MAP commits suicide, they aren't the only victim. Their family and friends also lose a loved one. MAPs are someone's child, someone's sibling, and in many cases someone's parent. MAPs have friends and relatives who have to deal with the fallout. When a MAP doesn't come out before suicide, the family is left trying to deal with the question of why. When they do come out, the family is instead left to deal with the secondary stigma surrounding their loved one's attraction. The oppression of MAPs has significant collateral damage. We recently had a story shared with us by a MAP ally whose brother's suicide has become the impetus for her pro-MAP activism.

Alex* was a young man living with his parents when they decided to take in a foster son. Alex and the boy became close and the boy opened up about his life in a way that he wasn't able to with other adults. One day, Alex's sister received notification that Alex had been arrested for inappropriate contact with the boy. Upon investigation, the police found no evidence of sexual contact, and Alex's sister was informed that the reason for the arrest was that Alex had given the boy a hug during one of their talks. The boy said they were close, but nothing illegal had taken place. There was no case, but the mere accusation of inappropriate contact can be life destroying.

When Alex was released on bail, he at first had nowhere to live. While the charges were investigated, he was unable to return home because the boy was still living there. After the investigation finished, he was allowed home, but became a recluse who hardly ever left his room. Alex's sister believed he had done nothing wrong and tried to support him, but the accusations had taken a huge toll on Alex. About a year after first being investigated Alex took his own life. He admitted in his suicide note to his sister that he was minor-attracted, words he hadn't been able to say while he was still alive.

Alex's death robbed his parents of a devoted son, his sister of a caring brother, and the boy of someone to talk to about his problems. Alex lost his life over a hug, given in support. He had not crossed any sexual boundaries or broken any laws. The accusations and the arrest broke him, though. Even though the charges were dropped, the demonization and stereotypes thrown at him were simply too much. The system had clearly told Alex that loving boys, even platonically, was not allowed, and his role as a caring conversation partner was maligned. His world was flipped upside down and now his family bears the cost.

A man who loved boys too much: Jeremy's story

These stories of non-offending MAPs are particularly sad, but the situations that MAPs who offend find themselves in can also result in tragic consequences. When talking about sex offenders, it is important to remember that over half of offenders against children are situational offenders; that is, they are not MAPs. In particular, incest offenders and violent sexual offenders are usually not MAPs. The MAPs that are found guilty of contact offenses are more likely to fit the profile of a seductive pattern of offending; they believe they are in a romantic relationship with a minor and they emulate many relationship dynamics of adult-adult couples. Much like gays or lesbians convicted for homosexuality in an Islamic country, for many MAPs who are charged with contact offenses, losing the relationship with the person they love can be as traumatic as incarceration. Grieving a lost love while facing criminal charges can prove too much to bear.

Jeremy* had known he was a MAP since he was quite young and over a decade ago was involved with many different MAP projects. Over the years, he had numerous platonic relationships with boys, but kept to a rule of never initiating sexual activity. One day, he met an adolescent boy and fell head over heels in love with him. They spent weekends together going to the movies, bowling or playing video games. Jeremy had no expectation of sex and he had no intention of trying to groom the boy to get it. He was just happy being truly in love after such a long time of feeling alone. He hated his job and was constantly stressed out and depressed, but the hours spent with his young friend made enduring everything else worth it.

At one stage, the boy started to talk sexually, but Jeremy couldn't bring himself to tell him to stop. Things escalated, and while Jeremy never pushed the boy to do anything, he also never turned down the boy's advances. He did what the boy wanted him to do, but no more. He was in love, and being able to share sexual intimacy made him the happiest he had been in a long time. Those perfect moments broke up the meaningless drudgery of his life. He felt that he had something worth living for, and someone he would die for.

Like many relationships between adults and minors, there was an asymmetry in strength of feeling between Jeremy and his young friend. The boy enjoyed his time and sexual experimentation with Jeremy, but didn't return Jeremy's strong attraction. One day, he got in trouble for smoking. How deeply he thought about the consequences, we will never know, but in that moment he decided that he could take some of the heat off himself by mentioning the sexual relationship he'd been having with Jeremy. The police started investigating and speaking to mutual acquaintances of the two. When Jeremy heard, he had no reason to continue on. The one light in his dark world had not only been extinguished, but the person he had trusted with his heart had turned against him. With no hope left, he decided to jump from his apartment balcony. His mother, who lived in another city, refused to come and collect his body.

Most people would agree that Jeremy made poor decisions. He crossed sexual boundaries and broke the law. His feelings, if in a Hollywood movie about an adult couple, might even sound romantic, but a lot of therapists would say investing too much in a romantic relationship is unhealthy; not to mention the consequences of an illegal relationship, how the boy might have been affected by his time with Jeremy, or how he might have felt after Jeremy's death. Unfortunately, due to the stigma of minor-attraction and issues accessing mental healthcare, Jeremy didn't have the support to make better decisions or process his feelings in a more rational way. Jeremy fell victim to his own loneliness and isolation, believing that pursuing romance was the only way he could truly be happy. When he lost everything that he cared for and faced an uncertain future, he was pushed over the edge.

Offender types and impacts

When MAPs are publicly outed due to a crime, research shows they are 183 times more likely to commit suicide than the general population. This is also 15 times higher than non-MAP child sex offenders with multiple crimes. Meanwhile, there were no recorded suicides among violent child sex offenders. This conflicts with the narrative of offending "pedophiles" as heartless monsters. While violent offenders don't seem to be overly impacted by their crimes, non-violent sex offenders, who often care for their victims, are wracked with guilt, shame and loneliness. Although they may have caused harm, in many cases it was unintentional, rather than calculated and planned by a psychopath. In fact, comparing minor-attracted child sex offenders with child sex offenders who are not minor-attracted, we see that offending MAPs are less psychopathic than non-MAP offenders. A crime is a crime, but it is important to dispel myths about the kinds of offenses committed by MAPs. We should be supporting rehabilitation and accountability with proper mental health care rather than watching them go to an early grave.

There are many cases of suicide by people who are accused or waiting trial for child sex offenses. One particularly notable case was that of Azov Films . Hundreds of men were arrested for non-sexual videos of boys that had previously been judged as legal, and as a result there were a number of suicides. It is not just contact offenses that result in death, but also the ever increasing number of PIM offenses (where in some jurisdictions, people can be arrested for cartoon pornography or fictional written erotica).

Managing offenders and their families

When people do face legal action, it is not only the individuals that suffer, especially in countries that have sex offender registries. In many cases, people forced to register are unable to continue living with their family and often face unemployment, which results in great instability for the whole family. As a result, the children of registrants report alarmingly high rates of suicidal ideation, with 13% exhibiting suicidal tendencies. Other reported consequences of being the child of a registrant include harassment (47%), ridicule (59%), physical assaults (22%), depression (77%), and anger (80%). These innocent children who have done nothing wrong suffer harsh penalties as a result of the consequences the government has seen fit to impose on their parent.

When talking about people who have offended against children, including (but not limited to) offending MAPs, it is of course extremely important to remember the damage that can be suffered by victims of sexual abuse. But trying to help perpetrators does not imply ignoring victims. Vengeance does not make the world a better place. Offenders who are unemployed, homeless, addicted to drugs and alcohol, or suicidal are not able to appropriately atone for their crimes, nor are they less likely to re-offend. As the Good Lives Model for offender rehabilitation says, "while offenders have obligations to respect other peoples' entitlements to well being and freedom, they are also entitled to the same considerations." The suicide of offenders should not be celebrated, and therapy should not solely focus on re-offense prevention at the expense of holistic mental health care. Offenders should be given the tools and skills to reintegrate into society. For exclusive MAPs, who have no attraction to adults, this means help acknowledging that they can live a happy and fulfilling life without sexual intimacy. Much as a gay Christian might be expected by their faith to abstain from sex and find meaning in other areas of their life, an exclusive MAP is expected by society to do the same.

No safe support until they're caught: Peter's story

One of the the ironies is, however, that once a MAP has been convicted of a sexual crime, it becomes easier for them to access therapy. Even outside of court-mandated therapy, a MAP with criminal history can more easily approach a therapist and openly discuss their sexuality. Their crimes have already come before a court and been adjudicated, so their therapist would feel no need to report them unless there is evidence of yet undiscovered crimes. Meanwhile, the group least likely to seek therapy are those that have committed an offense (either contact or PIM-related) but have not been prosecuted for it. Mandatory reporting in many places requires even historic offenses to be reported. As a result, one-time offenders who are unable to get help can become repeat offenders. Germany, for this reason, does not have mandatory reporting. Rather than focus on trying to catch a criminal who has already committed a crime but wants to stop, they would rather therapists be able to work openly with their clients to prevent future crimes. Mandatory reporting, while achieving the goal of punishment, does nothing to aid prevention. It even impacts non-offending MAPs as the story below highlights

Peter* was a MAP that had decided to come out to some of the people in his life. Hoping for an understanding reception he instead faced hostility and even threats of violence that ultimately ended up with him becoming homeless. With nowhere to turn, he reached out in desperation to mental health professionals in his local community. He disclosed his minor-attraction and explained how the social stigma had impacted his life. After a number of sessions, he was informed that he had been reported to the police for being a risk to public safety. Merely disclosing his attraction was enough for him to be evaluated high risk, despite having no contact whatsoever with children. Up until that point, no-one had informed him that they had mandatory reporting obligations, nor did he think that he would be included as a non-offending MAP. He was blind-sided.

Peter left the meeting feeling distraught and totally alone. He found himself walking along some coastal cliffs, seeing no option left except for ending his life. He had put his hand out to try and receive help, but instead had been betrayed. Some hikers walking by noticed Peter's distress, and guessing what he was planning, one tackled him to the ground. The police arrived and he was involuntarily admitted to a mental health hospital for the maximum 72 hours. Upon discharge, Peter returned to his tent, still homeless, still hated, and worse off than when he had first reached out for help.

These stories are not uncommon and show that even if a MAP finds the courage to seek therapy, they may see their situation get radically worse. Even when MAPs do manage to attend therapy and find a sympathetic therapist, the average age of first therapy is 30. This means that MAPs in their 20s, an age group that is prone to suicidality and more impulsive decision-making, are left without support.

Death penalty by proxy

Although the death penalty has been abolished in most civilized countries, it remains the consensus that it should be saved for the most horrific of offenses. Sadistically attacking a small child purely for your own sexual satisfaction is a crime that people might think merits death. MAPs agree that such a crime is reprehensible, and may even support such a penalty. Yet even though minor-attraction itself has no connection to such crimes, the cultural climate of marginalization and oppression results in a de facto death penalty by suicide for many MAPs, including non-offenders and those whose crimes were clearly non-violent in nature. Please look at the crimes of the individuals in our four examples. Charlie was sentenced to death for owning a life-like doll that he treated tenderly like a real child, without any sexual interaction. Alex was sentenced to death for hugging a boy with whom he had a close, intimate relationship, that never crossed sexual boundaries. Jeremy did have sexual contact with an adolescent boy. He was head over heels in love and tried to be as tender and caring as he could. He believed it was mutual but he was sentenced to death because adolescents can't give legal consent. Peter listened to the advice of people that tell MAPs to "get help" and sought treatment, but he was deemed a risk to the community and only received a stay of execution due to the intervention of a passer-by.

Every life matters. That is a fundamental principle in our modern, liberal society. Every suicide is a tragedy. That means that every MAP life should matter, too. Supporting MAPs does not mean ignoring victims of child sex abuse. Most MAPs don't have victims. But even when they do, it is not a competition between offender and victim. Supporting people to not only stay alive, but live the best life they can, is something that can be applied universally. We need to reduce stigma so that MAPs don't become suicidal, and reduce the barriers to accessing help when they are suicidal. If we really care about suicide prevention for all people, then we need to get rid of outdated stereotypes and support all minority groups, no matter how difficult they might be for us to understand.

* The names given in this article are pseudonyms, but the stories are real stories members of our community have shared with us. We aren't able to verify all the details, but we have presented the stories as fully and honestly as we can.

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Mu is an organization that opposes the stigma on Minor-Attracted People, supports their equal access to mental health support, and seeks reforms to laws that target MAPs without sufficiently protecting children and young people.

Please feel free to discuss this article on our forum thread.